im so incredibly pissed off. beyond all belief. i just dont wanna write about it ehre but like really? god people just make about zero sense sometimes. im so glad that i have people to talk to and keep me laughing. i was just a grumpy pants all day today and then when bernie came over, he got me laughing and blushing cause of everything i was saying and had said to him last night lol hes a good friend. i need good friends, i'm glad i have them. and i know they are good people and not skanks or people with big mouths who tell anyone anything. im done trying to be nice to people who fuck me over. its a lot easier for me to give up on a girl who fucked me over and i dont expect anyone to understand why i forgave jake. thats my own personal reasoning. girls are just dumb fucking whores. thats why i dont hang out with many girls because no matter how awesome or close you might think you are to them, at some point or another, you get fucked. its stupid when they can get you caught up with them and then just drop you. god, this isnt even really what im mad about its just like... rawr. i am not doing this right now.
bernie might come over tonight cause im afraid lol... brian left and aunt joanne and uncle craig are at work =[ i hate being here by myself. idk, i might tell him to stay at his house. god, i just dont know. i wanna scream!!
fucking a! god, okay. too angry for this. fuck it.
Hurtful words,
From my enemies of the last five years,
What's it like to die alone?
How does it feel when tears freeze,
When you cry?
The blood in your veins is twenty below.
Sitting in this room playing Russian roulette,
Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet,
Out from the window see her back drop silhouette,
This blood on my hands is something I cannot forget,
Sitting in this room playing Russian roulette,
Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet,
Out from the window see her back drop silhouette,
This blood on my hands is something I cannot forget,
Something I cannot forget.
So for now, take this down a notch,
Crash my car through your window,
Make sure you're still alive,
Just in time to kill you,
Sitting in this room playing Russian roulette,
Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet,
Out from the window see her back drop silhouette,
This blood on my hands is something I cannot forget,
Sitting in this room playing Russian roulette,
Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet,
Out from the window see her back drop silhouette,
This blood on my hands is something I cannot forget,
Something I cannot forget.
I can't take this (take) anymore
I can't take this (take) anymore
I can't take this (take) anymore
(I cannot feel what you've done to me)
I can't take this (take) anymore
(What you've done to me)
So for now, take this down a notch,
Crash my car through your window,
(Window)
Sitting in this room playing Russian roulette,
Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet,
Out from the window see her back drop silhouette,
This blood on my hands is something I cannot forget,
I love music.
It's not easy making a name for yourself
Where do you draw the line?
I never thought I'd be in this far
Let's have some fun and never change, not for anyone
Try not to miss me when I'm gone
I sold my soul to the open road
I'll live my life alone!
You wont find me in the same spot
Believe me I could never stop
My life's turned upside down
Meet me out past the train tracks
I'm leaving and not coming back
You're right and I was wrong
This town will be the downfall of us all
I'm gonna need you to try to follow along.
I did the best that I could to try to write you songs.
Now go tell them we sold out, like we're the ones who changed.
I write what I feel, I say what I mean
You can't buy sincerity
You wont find me in the same spot
Believe me I could never stop
My life's turned upside down
Meet me out past the train tracks
I'm leaving and not coming back
You're right and I was wrong
This town will be the downfall of us all
Don't forget yourselves
We made up our minds
And we signed 3! 4! 5! on that dotted line!
Don't forget yourselves
We made up our minds
And we signed 3! 4! 5! on that dotted line!
These are my words that I've never said before.
And this is the smile I've never shown before.
- omg RAWR
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
candymandy46- February 4th, 22:23
enraged
- Highlight of my day =]
-
- candymandy46
- February 3rd, 2:12
bouncy
Just wanted to update cause tonight was awesome... Bethany was on webcam and I walked up to it while she was talkin to aunt joanne and uncle craig and she was like "Hi Mandyyyyy!!!!" and she was so exicted and she was talking about my hair and said she loved it. she is precious. I asked her if she was excited to be up here for spring break and she was like "yeah! I wanna stay all 10 days with you!" it made my heart melt. lol I'm glad I got to see her =] I didnt see my Baylee bug but thats okay. I left the room and then a like 15 mins later, aunt joanne brought me the comp again and said bethany wanted to show me something else. she showed me a picture of steven and chass kissing lol and she told me her parents are in love and she sang the "kissing" song. I cant wait till shes here =]
- title laterz
-
- candymandy46
- January 22nd, 19:01
depressed
This is gunna be a quick update for now I guess cause I dont have much time. I'll write more later. But anyways, Jake just came over for like 5 mins to drop off something of my cousins. He walked in and of course I was gross cause I hadnt showered and I felt like yucky... but he like, seeing him... oh god I hate it. When I saw him, its like I still thought he was wonderful and his voice, at first was that soft little voice that he used to talk to me like when he would lean close. Then he got into his regular Jake voice and I missed it. I missed hanging out with him and hearing him talk and its like I wanted to jsut be able to go for a ride with him again in his car. I feel like such a dumb bitch. I'm in love with Stephan yet Jake catches my eye all the time even after the shit he did to me. It was kinda awkward cause he knows I basically erased him from my life... aka facebook. and I was just sitting here watchin Jersey shore and he asked me if this was the show with the fist pump or w/e and so i said yes. But even so, it wasnt a direct comment to me. He hardly even talked to me. I could tell when he was lookin at me, that it was like.. awkward I guess. cause it was! I hope he feels like shit though. And I hope he regrets ditching me like he did. Anyways, I guess him and Brian will be okay now cause Jake invited him to play football at the church tomorrow or some shit. It was funny cause my aunt was asking Jake if he went to church when he said that and he started joking around like convincing her that he did. Of course he doesnt though lol, so he told her that and it was dumb cause I didnt wanna laugh at his fuckin stupid jokes... but I couldnt help it.
Anyways. I'm living with my aunt and everyone now. We are moving into the house in a month so we'll have lots of packin to do. I'm a lot happier here except for when I see Jake cause its like I'm seeing the person who played with my heart and acted like he wanted me. And then just didnt anymore. And straight up ignores me now. So fuck him. Maybe I wont see him too much. I doubt he'll come over here unless he has to.
And i'm fucking retarded. I love Stephan and I want to be with him soooooo bad. But I still think about Jake. Even though hate Jake, I still imagine and think about how when wewere friends and when everything was happy. But I know he wants Amanda back. Cause he's wrapped around her litte fuckin finger for some reason. It's all good. I wanna be with Stephan, I just feel like it's unfair if Jake is still in my mind at all. I wish Jake didnt exist! Dammit! Maybe I just wish he had handled our situation better.
- You just see right through me but if you even knew me...
-
- candymandy46
- January 11th, 20:30
- cold
I am soooooo fucking down lately. Everything is just not right. Nothing. I don't have Stephan like I used to. I'm getting kicked out//moving out of my house [[which in the end, will be better]], I dont have my financial aid anymore and i'm stuck here during the week. So much has gone on... I guess lets start from the top...
your beautiful eyes stare right into mine
and sometimes i think of you late at night
i don't know why
i wanna be somewhere where you are
i wanna be where...
Idk If I wrote this in the last entry, but Jake still ignores me. It's w/e though. He is a fuckin asshole for doing what he did to me. He went from sitting there telling me how him and Amanda werent working out and saying he likes me and joking around saying things like "yeah me and my wife... I mean Mandy..." and "I'll be there if youre there" and all this stupid fucking shit to not talking to me at all. So I hope he's happy with himself. Stephans been here for me the whole time but today has been like... depressing. We havnt talked hardly at all and he still seems distant and it kills me. I love him. So much. I wish her were here so I could hold him and be held. This is going to sound ridiculous cause I ALWAYS thought Bella was a dumb bitch for feeling the way she did when Edward left, saying she has to hold herself together. But now I know how she feels. I know exactly how she feels. Even just walking through stores, I wrap my arms around myself to feel comfortable and at night, I try to trap myself in with blankets and pillows cause I feel like I'll fall apart.
your here, your eyes are lookin into mine
so baby, make me fly
my heart has never felt this way before
i'm lookin through your
i'm lookin through your eyes.
Blah. So anyways, my mom did that whole credit card shit and ran up 3 cards in my name and now shes in the hospital and isnt even going to have enough money to pay for like anything when she gets out so my credits gunna be fucked cause she is obvi going to pay the rent and electric and shit over my credit cards. My aunt Joanne is like not standing for this at all. She wants me to move in with her and I'm going to. I told my mom and she got all mad and shes mad that I wont be in school next semester cause I dont have financial aid and she is mad that I leave on the weekends. On Sunday we got into a huge fight. She called and I told her i'd be home that evening after dinner. So I was planning on being home at 9. Sho nuff, my grandpa called at 7 and yelled at me for not being home yet and he got sooooo mad about my school stuff and said hes not paying my insurance and cell phone anymore and that I can just go and have Joanne pay all my expenses and shit. He just yelled so much and put me down and it sucked. Then like 10 mins later, my mom calls and gets mad at me for not being home yet either... which is fucking dumb cause last week, I got home at 9:30 and it wasnt a problem... but all of a sudden it is a problem this week. Yeah, no. Fuck that. Then she was like yelling at me and saying I make up excuses for everything and she was like "When something happens to Alicia, I hope you feel like shit" and that set me off, so I threw that back in her face and FLIPPED. I was yelling at her and telling her how Alicia is not my child and how I'm only helping her out for Alicias sake and that next week, she can find someone else to take care of her cause I'm done.
i wake up, i'm alive
in only a little while, i'll cry
cause your my lullaby
so baby, come hold me tight
cause i, i wanna be everything you need
i wanna be where...
So needless to say I was crying an ocean, and aunt Joanne came over and hugged me and talked to me and it felt nice to be held again by someone just for comfort. But I was still fucked. So I get ready to leave and I drive home and as I get home, mom calls and she asks if Im home etc and then she was like "I love you" and no. Thats not how that works for me. So I just said "mmhmm and hung up" she cant be a bitch to me and then be all nice. Thats allllll she has been doing all weekend. Its only cause she knows she needs my help and all that. I know she doesnt want me to move in with Joanne but idc. Its MY life. She wont ever understand that, she still treats me like a child and says shit like she can still ground me. Uh no, dont think so bitch cause i'll dip. So anyways, she went from telling me to pack my stuff and get out to asking me to stay. I'm leaving the second she gets home from the hospital. That will be the day I leave for good and dont come back. She isnt appreciative of me taking care of her fucking zoo and my sister so this is it. After taking care of all these cats, I never want a cat ever again in my life except for maybe one. So after my mom called to yell at me on Sunday, she calls my Nana and she cries to her and all this stuff and my Nana talks to aunt mary about it and aunt mary told her the part of the story my mom clearly left out about how my mom did that credit card thing to me and how she treats me like a child and how it all makes me feel. My mom and grandpa and Grandma Jane make me feel like shit. I feel belittled and like a failure. My grandpa was yelling at me saying hes disappointed in me to say the least and that I'm not living out my life how he thinks I should. News fucking flash! It's not youre life to live! Its soooo irritating cause alllll the time, my mom and Grandpa sit there and tell me I'm fat and this and that. And mom is always telling me im a spoiled brat and all this stuff. It makes me so sad. No one on my dads side of the family says that to me. I think it's pretty clear why i'd like them more. Like really, duh.
your here, your eyes are lookin into mine
so baby, make me fly
my heart has never felt this way before
i'm lookin through your
i'm lookin through your eyes.
So on Friday, I'm dipping out early and going over to aunt Joannes and we are gunna go get me a social security card cause my mom has mine at the hospital with her. And we gotta have the state send me another copy of my birth certificate cause my mom also has that with her. But I've gotta go through moms shit and get my car title and all the statements from the bills on my credit cards and all my school information so that way I can use that stuff when I need it. I dont wanna have to take my mom to court about my credit cards and all but really, its ridiculous. I never even wanted A credit card yet alone 3 of them! I can't wait till this is all settled out and I have my life at Aunt Joannes. She has told me she isnt going back out of helping me cause she sees how they treat me. Lol she said its like i'm their Cinderella and shes my fairy godmother =] its basically true. Its bad enough that when my mom went into the hospital, I wasnt even sad. I thought about what would happen if she died, and It didnt even bring tears to my eyes. I felt AWFUL for thinking that way. But between all the stress of taking care of this house and cats and my sister by myself, it was going crazy. And I couldnt even get out cause I have nowhere to go when I'm here. I don't talk to Chris anymore really and so I dont wanna go hang out with him and So since he was the only person out here I knew, then my choices were limited to say the least. Sister Goodmansen brought over a pizza for dinner tonight and that was really super nice and she said I could always go over to her house and talk or anything cause she is home all day so I might be takingher up on that. I just wanna be out and live at aunt joannes already. Its kinda sad that I know more people out that way and I dont even live there yet. And Brittany lives just right across the street from them now and she seems way awesome, Like I dont know her well yet but shes been cool the times I have hung out with her so it'd be nice to have a friend who is a girl to talk to. Most of my friends are guys and its like... epic fails lol. I miss having sleepovers and shit. Emily was supposed to come out here for a weekend during winter break but thats not working out cause of how my life is working out. Which sucks ass. But I'll go back out to gaithersburg and she her soon. I havnt seen Julie or Becca in about 500 years either...
just as long as your mine
i'll be your everything tonight
let me love you, kiss you
baby, let me miss you
let me see your...
dream about, dream about your eyes
eyes, eyes, beautiful eyes...
Anyways. I cant even begin to explain to you how much I wish Stephan was here with me. I'm in love with him. I dont know why I did what I did and idk why it's so hard for me to fix. I guess I'm afraid of hurting him again and untill that goes away, I wont let myself hurt him again. I just... I'm so in love with him, I wanna be with him forever and always. I wanna be his and I want him to be mine. I'm so sad that we dont talk as much lately. I feel like we're falling farther apart and I cant stand it. I wish I could have seen him more over the weekend. This weekend, I'm going to see him as much as I possibly can. I love him.
And I cant wait till Jake texts me one night saying "hey love" or something like that and asks me to come over. Cause I'm gunna tell him no. He can sleep by himself cause I'm not gunna let him hurt me again.
I just wish my life would fall into place. I wish I could fast forward through all this fighting and sadness. I wish I could fast forward to whenever Stephan is here and to when I can just hold him and be with him. Last night was horrible, I thought about him all night and just layed there and listened to my ipod and missed him. I wanted someone to talk to but I didnt think anyone was awake. Then Addison calls at 4 am. And I talked to him for like ever aka like an hourish about everything thats been happening and he told me what he was doing with his life. It all got me laughing which was super amazing cause I was so down. But hey, thats Addison. He can always make you laugh haha. But anyways. Ive been basically listening to Taylor Swift and Breaking Benjamin and my favorite song, Its Been A While by Staind obsessively. Its actually pretty helpful, but music has always been a good way for me to deal with my life. I like being able to relate to the songs I hear. I think thats why I like Its Been A While so much.
Meh. W/e. I miss Stephan. I guess I'm done writting this now. It's a lot to read as it is.
.:Lovins:.
Mandy Cane
- Bored. Result:
-
- candymandy46
- January 6th, 0:59
- annoyed
promise not to lie or erase any of these questions?
--I promise
Where's your man?
-- Well If I had one... he'd be in Utah. And I guess since everyone was calling me his girl, he'd have been my boy... Jake is at his house as far as I know.
Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone?
-- Josh. No, mom... One of them...
Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
--Yeah. couple times
Have you kissed under water?
--Yesh. schmexy.
Do you know anyone who committed suicide?
--I know people who have tried and people who have.
Is it ever too late to apologize?
--No
Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends?
--Camping if its nice outside.
Have you ever kissed anyone who's name starts with P, J, R, A, C or D?
--P, J, A, C.
Do you fall for people easily?
-- Not usually
Have you ever kissed someone who was drunk?
--Plenty of times
Have you ever broken a couple up?
--Well... I guess you could say that. But he wanted to break up with her anyways really.
Do you find smoking unattractive?
--Not really. idc.
Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up?
--No
Do you like being around a large group of friends, or a best friend?
--Large
Do you love where you live?
-- I love Maryland. But I dont love Hagerstown.
Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
--No. in the past 6 days, yes.
Did the last person who hurt you, ever apologize?
--No
Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?
--Yes... ish
What's your background image on your phone?
--The lake on the inside and my new moon picture on the outside
Seven months ago, can you remember who you liked?
--Probably Stephan or maybe Paul
What did you have for breakfast?
-- nothing
Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
--Maybe. Hopefully.
Is it possible to be single and happy?
--Yes. Too bad I'm not.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
--I know that I can
Do you have any piercings?
-- 5 in each ear
Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
--Sure
Do you want to get married?
--Hellz yeah
Do you like the idea of promise rings in relationships?
--I love that idea
Are any of your friends taller than you?
--Plenty are
Was your last text message from a girl or boy?
--Boy; Paul.
Spell your name without an L:
--Mandy
How many text messages are currently in your inbox?
--211
What was the last thing you drank?
--Dr. pepper
Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
--All. The. Time.
Could you go the rest of your life without smoking weed?
--I could but I wont.
If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
--Yes.
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
--No
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
--Theres lots of people.
Have you kissed the same person more than 20 times in '09?
--Probably. Yeah actually.
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
--Nope
Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind?
-- Yes D:
Do you think high school relationships can last?
-- Yeah they can.
Did the last person you kiss name start with a B?
-- Negative
Do you stay up later than ten o'clock on a week night?
-- Yeah
If your best friend needed somewhere to stay could they live with you?
--Sure. But probably not in a few months since I wont be living in the same place.
Do you get scared during scary movies?
--Really scared. unless they are stupid.
Did you meet any new people this year?
--lol not this year yet. It's only been 6 days.
Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
--Hellz yeah.
Do you like hugs?
-- LOVE them
Do you know a few people that smoke weed?
--I know lots of people
Has a boy/girl ever called you babe/baby?
--Yeah, I love that.
Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
--YES
Has anyone drunk ever called / texted you?
--Plenty of times.
Currently dating anyone?
--Nope
When was the last time you snuck out?
--Looong ago. probably when Josh fucked up and came to see me at 5 am.
If I say "psycho", who is the first person that comes to your mind?
--Amanda lawl.
Do you like when people play with your hair?
--I love that.
Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
--Not really.
Do you have a piggy bank that's actually shaped like a pig?
--always this question and always I say "I WISH!"
Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?
--Oh lets not even go there please.
Are you wearing any rings?
--The one my mama gave me.
What annoys you most about the opposite sex?
--The fact that they cant keep their eyes on one girl. No matter what boy, he will always look and flirt with other girls. It's something I should be used to but I fucking hate it.
- I don't have a cool title for this...
-
- candymandy46
- January 4th, 1:56
- cold
Lots has gone on. I dont even want to write it all down but thats the point of a "diary", right?
Well I still miss the fuck out of Stephan. Thats not changing, it wont ever. I thought Jake and I were just friends but I guess I should have seen earlier that he was a little flirty in a way. Just how he texted or w/e. IDK. I feel like I dont want to write any of this cause I dont want to remind Stephan of it but I just need to get it off my chest. And I'm afraid that Stephan will hate Jake and message him like he did to Paul and that would kill me. I lost so much when that happened. D: *shrug* I know Stephan wont message Jake but I still dont want him to hate Jake.
Anyways. New Years roles around and I thought we were going to Jakes cause he was having a party but we ended up not going, we drank at Brians instead. Well it gets to be 2am and Kita says she has to sleep and Jake had been texting me and he invited us all over but Kita wouldnt let Brian go so Jake said I could still come over and that I could stay over... he said that I could come sleepover with him. That should have been an alarm in my head but I missed it apparently. So I asked him where I could sleep and he said in his bed and that he'd sleep on the floor or something. So I drive over there... [[bad me btw, shouldnt have driven since I was tipsy... but I did]] SO yeah. They play one more game of beer pong and then peoples leave and people saw me in Jakes room and were saying bye to me and all. Then jake and I watched youtube videos about football lol and we layed on his bed and talked about football and music and random crap haha.
Anyways, that was all fine but then it was like 4 am and we were tired so we were going to sleep obviously... and Jake stayed in the bed and asked if it was okay that he slept there and I said yes. It was his bed afterall. idk. So we both fell asleep basically not even touching in any kind of cuddly way or anything but then I wake up and feel him put his arm around me and so... well just cuddled a lot and we got kinda close. And then our faces were close. And then he kissed me. A couple times. And he kissed me on my forhead. And he did sweet stuff but like, oh idk.
Whatever, so we wake up at 1pm and he sees the hole he punched in the wall the night before, and obviously has to fix. Blah, we talk a little bit then he is gunna go jump in the shower so I tell him that I should probably get going and head back over to Brians. He asked me like in a legit way if I had to leave that day or if I was gunna be at Brians all weekend. I told him I'd be there all weekend and he said he'd stop by. [[He never did]] So he hugged me and he kissed me again... which I was not even expecting. I thought that he wouldnt want to or that idk... idk what I thought. So I left.
He didnt text me for a while so I texted him and stuff and we talked a little and then I texted him again the next day and asked him what he thought of the other night and he said he thought it was cool but thats not what I wanted to know really. I asked him if it was something he wanted again or not basically... that was the only way I was going to get answers out of him. apparently I dont get answers cause he didnt say anything back. So i texted him again today and he still didnt answer me. He didnt answer my cousin either when he texted him. I just want to know what Jake is thinking. I know he and Amanda had that forever long relationship but then he broke up with her and when he wanted her back, she wasnt sure. And i'm pretty positive she still isnt sure. Cause shes a dumb bitch.
Anyways, I told Stephan everything which was hard but I wanted to tell him. I dont like keeping anything from him at all. I felt so horrible about what I had done. I felt like I didnt deserve to live basically. I keep hurting him and he keeps being there for me, it's like it's almsot too good to be true. But it is true. I know Stephan loves me and I KNOW that I love him. So why can't I squash my feelings and be with him already? I am so in love with him but then why did I kiss Jake? God I'm such a fucking idiot. I know that I love Stephan. Like duh, I know. Its just everytime Jake says something funny or cute or anything like that, it gets me all shaken up. I wish Jake would just sit and talk to me and tell me what the hell is going on in his mind. I'm going to try and make him next weekend. I will drive over to his fucking house and force him to talk to me.
God, I just wanna be with Stephan so why cant I? Oh yeah. Cause I fucking am an epic fail. I swear, he deserves so much better than me. I feel like I'm not stable for him and I want him to have stability. I want him to have everything perfect. I want him to be happy and to feel loved and i wish I could show him how much I love him and how much I want to be with him but it's hard to do when he's not here. I'm mailing him out a package of things either tomorrow or Tuesday. We'll have to see when I can get it all packed up. Blah. I am in love with Stephan. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy So why do I ruin whats good for me?
I. Hate. Myself.
- I. Hate. This.
-
- candymandy46
- December 27th, 2009
scared
I fucking miss Stephan sooooo bad.
I feel so numb to anything except for sadness and it kills me not having him how I did before. When I saw him last night, it really got to me. I missed him and I wanted so badly for him to just be with me and to see him smile again. This is so hard. I dont know what to do. I want to be with Stephan so so so bad, I just dont know... FUCK. I dont even know what I dont know.
He's the only person I can see myself being with in the future. He is the only guy I love. This sucks.
- Epic lootz are suddenly epic fails
-
- candymandy46
- December 24th, 2009
- depressed
So I hate myself. I hate life. I hate... everything. So much. I broke up with Stephan for reasons that are beyond me. I thought I needed time and everything to deal with whats going on and maybe I do. But what does it matter? He wont be there in the end. He deserves someone who is emotionally stable and can take care of all the stress in times like this. I felt so fucking stupid after I broke up with him. My heart sank. Literally.
And today, I went out to Johns Hopkins to see my mom cause she is horribly sick and not getting any better. And I hear she almost died today. Apprently she cant even control the muscles she needs to eat so she started choking and the nurses ignored her call and she had to shove her plate of food to the floor to get someones attention in the hallway. She had the most god awful time breathing for like 30 mins. They gave her breathing tubes though. I lost it at that point. I couldnt not cry anymore. I feel like its so unfair cause I'm stuck here taking care of all these cats and my sister and everyone else gets to stay at the hospital with my mom. I want to be there. I need to be there. But no.
So I made the hour and 10 min. trip home and cried about 97 & 1/2% of the way. [[My aunt just called and asked why I sound so sad. Why does she think I sound so sad. Here we go, lets cry some more]] Fuckin A man. This sucks. The whole way home, I was thinking about Stephan and my mom and what I would do if I lost her since I just pushed the most important person out of my life. I havnt even been able to talk to my mom about me breaking up with Stephan. She doesnt know anything. I need her. I know her and I fight a lot but I dont want her dead. And Alicia needs her and i'm just trying to make sure alicia has a good christmas and its so hard cause I dont know how to do that without Mom.
This entry is horribly sad and fuck it. I just keep getting bad news and I keep ruining things for myself. Im such a fucking dumbass its not even funny.
- Apparently, I never feel like writting shit anymore. SO this.
-
- candymandy46
- December 15th, 2009
- sore
Are you 100% over your first ex?
haha def.
What did you do today?
Woke up, played WoW, Drove home, Drove to other home, Went to doctor, Filled perscription, Took sister to starbucks, Went to 5Below, Slept, Talked with my lover =]
Are you currently looking forward to tomorrow?
Not really.
Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else?
Shorts arnt mine, theyre chris' roomates
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Yupppp! I'm thinkin about him too though =]
Did you have a good day yesterday?
Yeah, minus being sick and throwing up and feeling like death!
How do you like your milk?
I LOVE milk. I like it in a glass... or in a bowl of cereal or... however you have milk.
Have you ever been called a bitch?
Yeah, it happens
Is there a girl that knows everything about you?
I'm sure theres one
Do you look at the keyboard when you type?
sometimes out of habit
Think back five months ago, were you single?
barely
Whats running through your mind right now?
Stephan <3
Does it bother you when people respond to you with one word?
yeah, sometimes
Are you mean?
So i've been told
Are you keeping a big secret right now?
Nope. YUP!. But its not my secret to tell sooooo, kinda I guess? idk. If I told the secret, I would be a trouble causer and im not goin for that.
What did you do yesterday?
yesterday I slept, watched my sisters keeper with bri and kita, played scattergories, played WoW. the end.
What shoes did you wear today?
my slip on furry brown ones
What color shirt are you wearing?
tannish colored
What color are your pants/shorts?
red. I dont match =]
Finish this sentence: The last person I kissed is.....
alive. iunno lol
Would you be surprised if your most recent ex called you tonight?
not at all
Where were your hands last night at 11pm?
on the keyboard
Do you read magazines, or just look at the pictures?
I read some parts of them
How many piercings do you have?
3 in each ear. but i wants moreeeeeeee sooooooo bad! If i had more earings, i'd just do it my damn self D:
What was the last movie you watched?
my sisters keeper. zomg i criiiiiiied. it was SO good though. Minus the end. pissed me off.
Was yesterday better than today?
No because today i feel better than i did yesterday
Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
I do, his name is Stephan.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
its winter... oh heavens, yeah i remember. blechhhhhh
Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous?
yeah it does
Have you ever been called beautiful?
i haz =]
Do you currently have feelings for anybody?
Stephan has my heart
Last time you laughed?
3 seconds ago
Ever liked someone who treated you like crap?
sureeeeee did
The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them?
meh. likeeeeeeeee twice?
Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
Whenever we get Stephan here
Would you fall apart if the last person you kissed died?
i'd be sad but i'd survive lol
Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
im awake for the day. i think.
Do you have a piggy bank that's actually shaped like a pig?
i fucking wish!
What's something you really want right now, be honest?
Stephan here. Food. Warmth.
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/ girlfriend drinks?
nopers. dun care.
First thing you do when you wake up?
Check my phone
What color did you last paint your nails?
lady at the salon painted them blue with white and red lines on the ring finger. patriots naiiiiils!
Where were you 2 hours ago?
in my bed
What's your favorite color?
Green and black
What can you say about the first boy on your top?
He is the most amazing boy ever and i love him muchly!
Would you rather have a smoothie or milkshake?
milkshake
Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
yeah, i prefer it
Are you 100% over the last person you kissed?
sure am
Have you ever had a best friend?
duh
What have you eaten today?
egg and cheese crossiant.
Are your lips chapped?
oh god yes, i need a tube of chapstick applied to them. being sick sucks =[
What is the last thing you did before bed last night?
turn off the light
How are you feeling RIGHT now?
horrid
Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or laying down?
laying down
Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
Alicia
Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff?
there are a few
Where did you get the shirt your wearing?
Maine
What were you doing at 11 this morning?
eating breakfast and watchin tv
What is on your wrists right now?
bowling pass bracelet thing, 3 other bracelets i made, one silver bracelet with purple studs, bike chain, mine and mardis best friends bracelet.
Are you planning to go see a movie anytime sooon?
not really
Ever jumped in a pool with your clothes on?
not purposly D:
Do you have to sleep with a television on?
no, in fact i want it off
Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?
a few
Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever?
nope. want him here. then if can stay like that.
Do you still talk to the person you were dating 4 months ago?
yus. still dating him =]
If you had to get a piercing (not ears) what would you get?
lip, hip.... although people are making me doubt that one D:
Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?
love one person
Anyone say they wanted to be with you forever?
yus, i wanna be with him forever too so win!
Do you want to get married?
sure as heck do
Your hair naturally straight?
meh, it will either be straight but frizzy or it'll wave. I prefer it to wave but of course, it wont do that unless i have nowhere to go
The last person you kissed needs you at 3AM, would you go?
i suppose
Have you ever swam in a pool that wasn't yours?
all the time
Do you know what it's like to be truly happy?
i do
have you had sex in the last 12 hours?
nopers
Did you have a good day today?
sure
Where is your cell phone?
<-- right there
Do you like messages or comments better?
both are nice
The shirt your wearing, does anyone else have it?
probably.
Would you rather have long or short hair?
long for sure
Do you own a camera phone?
i do
Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
this is a true fact
Where is your dad?
in florida
You kissed someone today, didn't you?
negative
Name something you dislike about the day you're having?
im sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Are you tired right now?
nope
Is the person you last texted single?
NOPE! he's allllll mines!
Who was the last person you told a secret to?
uh. dunno. dont really haz secrets
Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired?
i have. lots lol
What is the last movie you saw at the theaters?
New Moon!!!!!
Have you ever dated someone over a year?
I have
Do you like the town you are living in?
not really no
Have you ever thrown a cell phone in anger?
worst. idea. EVER.!
Do you think a lot before you fall asleep?
yes
How many months until your birthday?
5!
How are you feeling right now?
gross
Who is the first person you think of that's name starts with an A?
Austin
How do you feel about body piercings or tattoos?
LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 'em
Whose bed did you last sleep in besides your own?
uh. guess i kinda fell asleep in brians bed. cause he was fallin asleep and it was makin me sleepy so i just shut the movie off and went to the living room lol
What are you doing?
this. talking to Stephan =]
When was the last time you completely broke down?
meh. That one night I got in a fight with my mom and then Paul did that stuff and blah blah. sucked
Has anyone ever seen you kiss the last person you kissed?
yeah
Your phone rings, who do you want it to be?
Stephan
Would you live with someone without marrying them?
yes
Is it cute when girls/guys kiss you on your cheek?
it can be
Do you like to cuddle?
love it!
Do you believe that the last person that you kissed cares for you?
yeah
Look in your inbox on your cell phone; who are all the people you have text message from?
Stephan, Brian, Chase, Julie, Paul, Addison.
Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning?
either one. usually morning
What are the color of your eyes?
greeeeeeeen
Do you believe that this weekend will be a good one for you?
i belive that, yes
Is there someone you can spend every minute with and be happy?
If Stephan were here, it'd be him. aside from him. nope.
Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
i know lots
Are you wearing pants?
nope
Who was the last person you said " i love you " to?
Stephan
Are you dying to take off your clothes?
lawl, I would be if he was here dammit!
What were you doing at 4am this morning?
Playin cafe world haha =]
- Siiiiiick D: bllllllllleeeeeeeeeecccccccccchhhhhhhhhh
-
- candymandy46
- December 11th, 2009
- sick
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
At moms house, closed. at grandpas, I keep it cracked.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
hehe yes =]
3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
out :P
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
BWAHAHAHA. Julie and I tried so fucking hard to get a street sign =[ we failed so we just stole a bunch of regular signs.
5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
I do
6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
Lol yeah
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
wtf kinda question is this? lol neither.
8. Do you have freckles?
I dont exactly think they are freckles. They're like... spots lol. not that im spotted but erm. Theyre not molessss... IDK WTF they are. But i haz them. lots of them.
9. Do you always smile for pictures?
No
10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
When people dont take their shoes off and then sit on my bed.
11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
yeah
12. Have you ever peed in the woods?
yeah
13. What about pooped in the woods?
lol nope
14. Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
of course =]
15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
My pens yes, I dont chew pencils anymore lol
16. How many people have you slept with this week?
zero.
17. What size is your bed?
twin at grandpas, queen at moms
18. What is your Song of the week?
uhhhm. I still really like what its like by everlast
19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
uh. sure. if they want to.
20. Do you still watch cartoons?
i do, sometimes.
21. Whats your least favorite movie?
probably that one i had to watch at a sleepover once that was like something... Philadelphia or something. about two gay guys who get aids from having sex in a movie theater. i hated that movie lol.
22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
fuck no. i'd keep it!
23. What do you drink with dinner?
water, milk, sweet tea
24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
ketchup!
25. What is your favorite food?
Burritos
26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Twilight, New Moon =]
27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
uhm. idk. i havnt been kissed in a while
28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
I was a girl scout lol =]
29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
ahahah. ha. no.
30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
CRAP. I wrote sam like a million letters but i keep forgetting to send the,. oooh im a horrible friend. lol
31. Can you change the oil on a car?
I know the general way of how to do it. I just am not sure about where everything is. it'd take me a bit to find the right plugs hehe
32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
nope!
33. Ran out of gas?
yes D:
34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
turkey with 4 ritz crackers, pepper jack cheese, mayonaise, ketchup, old bay. =]
35 Best thing to eat for breakfast?
a nice big breakfast of evting!
36. What is your usual bedtime?
whenever I want. my sleep is so disoriented lately.
37. Are you lazy?
I can be
38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
a witch, pink power ranger, an angel, belle, uhhh... I was a witch a lot lol
39. What is your Chinese astrological sign?
Horse
40. How many languages can you speak?
one
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
nopers
42..Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
DUH LEGOS!
43. Are you stubborn?
I can be at times
44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
idc
45. Ever watch soap operas?
lawl. OTH. But I swear its better than all other soaps out there!
46. Afraid of heights?
meh, kinda
47. Sing in the car?
this is true
48. Dance in the shower?
oh dear. that would be fatal for me lol
49. Dance in the car?
sometimes
50. Ever used a gun?
once
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
when devon was here. I guess I was 16.
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
not all of them
53. Is Christmas stressful?
it very well can be
54. Ever eat a pierogi?
YUUUUS. NOM
55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
blueberry. but only if its mine made with maine blueberries that ive hand picked =] yummy yummy
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
garbage woman lol
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
kinda i guess
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
yeah i get that sometimes
59. Take a vitamin daily?
im starting to think i should
60. Wear slippers?
my monkey ones =] and my flip flop slippers!
61. Wear a bath robe?
no. I wear towels lol
62. What do you wear to bed?
a tshirt and underwear
63. First concert?
*NSYNC =] hehe
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Target =]
65. Nike or Adidas?
adidas
66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
Cheetos! unlessssssss hmmm cheeto pie =] yep
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
sunflower seeds
68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
negative
69. Ever take dance lessons?
nopers
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
whatever makes him happy
71. Can you curl your tongue?
yeah
72. Ever won a spelling bee?
haha. i fail at spelling
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
probably lol
74. Own any record albums?
yep, theres actually 3 on my door over there -->
I believe they are journey, quiet riot and billy idol lol =] im cool
75. Own a record player?
yep! its downstairs. but its technically grandpas hehe
76. Regularly burn incense?
I would if i had them! my nana used to burn them all the time.
77. Ever been in love?
i have been. and i am.
78. Who would you like to see in concert?
LOTS of people
79. What was the last concert you saw?
Lights! im seeing her again in Feb with Owl City!!!!!!!!! yay!
81.Tea or coffee?
Tea. as long as its cold sweet tea. if not, then coffee. or warm sweet tea. either is good.
82. Sugar or snickerdoodles?
Snickerdoodles
83.Can you swim well?
I can swim pretty well
84.Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
yeah
85. Are you patient?
not at all
86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
Band hmmm no. well DJ as long as he doesnt talk. as long as he only plays songs i want him to play haha
87.Ever won a contest?
uh maybe lol
88. Ever have plastic surgery?
nope
89. Which are better black or green olives?
ew, neither
90.Can you knit or crochet?
nope. well... i learned once but i totally forget now lol
91. Best room for a fireplace?
living room
92. Do you want to get married?
hells yeah
93. If married, how long have you been married?
im not married
94. Who was your HS crush?
Austin was a good majority of it. then it was Josh
95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
uhm no, im not 3 kthnx
96. Do you like kids?
yeah, they're fun!
97. Do you want kids?
i sure do =]
98. Whats your favorite color?
black and green
99. Do you miss anyone right now?
a whole hell of a lot
100. Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX?
never heard of it.
- I can't WAIT.
-
- candymandy46
- December 9th, 2009
- aggravated
I dont even feel like writting but I feel like if I dont, this is gunna keep bothering me. My mom is pissing me off to an extreme. She woke up in the middle of the night and is now taking over the downstairs area where she knows I spend my time at night cause I hate being in my room. And she always complains about how uncomfortable that couch is so why the hell is she sleeping there now? and all she does is this boo hoo im so sick and youre not deal. When uhm halllleeeewwww! I am clearly sick too. She is such a bitch.
at the same time, I feel bad cause I can tell she is sick. im just not caving into her dumb pity party mode. I am not here to cater to her every need. Obviously I want to help her and take care of her cause shes sick but not with how shes treating me, i dont. And then the worry wart part of me takes over and its like well what if she is REALLY sick and what if something happens to her, I wont be able to go back and help her or anything. But like... I jsut feel like its so fucked up cause she is such a brat to me and says that i dont do anything at all and all this stuff. But really, I do a lot for her. The only reason I wouldnt do something is cause of how shes treating me and making me feel like a piece of shit.
I cant wait till aunt joanne moves into their new house. I honestly cant stand it here. she unmotivates me so much to do anything cause she just depresses me. Fuck it. She is such a brat. She acts like she is all high and mighty and knows everything when in reality, she knows nothing. She doesnt know anything about me anymore cause she doesnt take the time to try to know me. she enables alicia sooooo much. alicia doesnt have to do ANYTHING cause mom wont make her do anything. Yet I have to do it all. uhm no. the days that I am here are the most miserable days of my life. I came here early to bring her the fucking orange juice that she wanted. I left aunt joannes early only to come back here and be treated like this? yeah uh no, not working that way.
Moms gunna push me too far and we're gunna break. Its already bad enough that we dont talk when im not here. The only time we talk is when Im here and even then its just yelling. I'm so sick of it all.
- Super long survey time. Why? Cause I can :P
-
- candymandy46
- December 9th, 2009
- bored
What type of day are you having?
A boring, sick day
Was there anyone who "made your day"?
My day is made when Stephan talks to me. He made my day.
Are you liking how you look today?
HA. a-hem. no. lol, I am gross and sickly lookin. yuck.
Do you have anyone crushing on you?
Well my boyfriend of course =]. my cousins friend, Rew and idk... Doesnt really matter who is crushin on me cause my boyfriend is the only one that matters.
Have you ever eaten a bug?
mmhmm. I eated chocolate covered meal worms annnnd a lolipop with a scorpian in the center. nom.
Are you vegeterian?
haha, no.
When was the last time you kissed someone?
Erm... romantically it was May or June? In a friendly way, I kissed Binx [[the cat]] tonight when she was cuddlin me =]
Have you ever had something stuck between your teeth, but no one decided to tell you?
Na, people tell me.
When was your last paycheck?
Ha. yeah, havnt had one of those in a long ass time D:
How many pets do you have?
oh lord. lets not even go there. a lot.
What kind of toothpaste do you use?
I like the crest orange flavored kind but here, mom buys this yucky kind that I dont like.
Are you closer to being rich or poor?
poor for sure
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
BONESSSSSSSS <3
What was the last gift someone gave you?
uhh... well last time I was sick, Pauls mom wrapped a can of soup up for me and gave it to me lol. I think thats the last gift I got.
Are you on any type of drugs?
Yeah. The doctor gave me 3 kinds today and I'm not technically "on" weed. But I like it.
Are you in love?
I am.
Have you ever been in love?
I have.
Do you even believe in love?
Well duh.
How many things are you really thinking about right now?
Lots. like... well... im actually not really thinking about that much at all. haha. Stephan of course. How much I hate this fucking snow. and how I wish I could see this screen w/o my eyes watering.
Did you talk to anyone you didn't like today?
Yeah
Do you like picnics?
Yes
Have you finished school yet?
I wish!!
What is/was your worst subject?
Math D:
What's your father's middle name?
Edward
Are you American?
Ya
Who are you voting for?
Uhm. Not Obama.
Do you like Bush?
He was okay
Was his name even worth capitalizing?
yeah
What kind of mood are you in?
Bleh
If your girlfriend/boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do?
Cry myself to sleep. and wonder what I did wrong.
What are you wearing on your feet?
Socks surprisingly.
What are you doing this weekend?
Going to aunt joannes. maybe bowling again with him and jake and other friends. gotta help my aunt pack =]
Has the opposite sex ever written you a poem?
Yeah, my first boyfriend wrote me this cute little poem hahaha. I wish I had that diary here so I could copy it into this entry. It was a cute little middle school thing.
Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
I know they do
Was last night enjoyable for you?
Yeah, I talked to stephan lots and even though he fucked with me! it was still fun lol
Do you change your phone background a lot?
yeah lol, I cant decide which picture of stephan to make it... I love them all! the inside of my phone generally stays the same though.
How's your heart lately?
My heart is just fine.
If you were being chased by an alligator, what would you do?
Run and Scream, duh.
Are you happy?
Yesh
Do you want to tell someone how you feel?
No
Ever gave a really long apology?
Yeah, I sure have
Has anyone told you they don't ever wanna lose you?
Yeah =] I dont wannt lose him either
Who was the last person you high fived?
Brian
Whats the last thing that made you smile?
Kitty sittin on my lap being a snuggle bunny
Will you be in a relationship next month?
I plan on it
Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast?
really slow
If someone is interested in you right now, would you like them to tell you?
Doesnt matter. If they wanna tell me, idc.
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
6
Who did you last yell at and why?
My mom. Cause she got herself food and her reasoning for not gettin me any was that I apparently don't help out enough. So when grandpa came out here, he got me chipotle :P
Is your best friend pissing you off at this exact moment?
Nopers
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
The couch
Who slept in your bed with you last night?
No one. not even me. I slept on the couch
Will you be a strict parent one day?
I am not gunna be super strict, but I'll be strict when I need to be
Can you go in public looking like you do?
I could but I dont wanna
How did you feel when you woke up?
Like death
What does your hair look like?
Greasy and down. attractive, huh? lol
When was the last time you saw your father?
Uhm... 3 years ago?
Why did you last blush?
No idea
Do you like your life as of now?
I like most parts of it
Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?
It'd be nice
Have you been kissed by someone who's name starts with a R?
Nope
Do you drink coffee?
Yeah. But only with LOTS of cream and LOTS of sugar lol
Do you crack your knuckles?
I do
What were you doing 20 minutes ago?
This
Does anyone call you babe or baby?
My Stephan =]
Last thing you drank?
Water
What were you doing yesterday at midnight?
Lol my facebook cafe
Do you get along with girls?
ehh... not really. I get along with a few girls. but guys are so much easier.
Do you like surprises?
I do
Are you listening to any music?
Yeah, The Offspring is playing on el radio
When was the last time you laughed really hard?
This morning when I was watchin OTH annnnnd:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dtMNATYKrM
lawl, Mouth is funny.
Last awkward moment?
Uh, iunno lol
Ever liked someone older than you?
Yes.
Think of the person who's hurt you the most in the past year, who is it?
We already know the answer to this
In the past week have you cried?
Dont think so
Have you kissed someone in the past week?
Nope
Do you have a crush on anyone?
Stephan <3
What makes you not be able to sleep?
Lots of things
How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over?
Enough
What did you do last night?
Talked to Stephan, Made some food, Got on the computer, Watched TV.
Are you tan?
I'm tan-ish. I still have those god awful tan lines on my legs D:
What do you miss?
I miss Stephan. I miss the way people used to be. I miss My Bethany and my Baylee.
- You're everything I've ever dreamed of having
-
- candymandy46
- December 7th, 2009
indescribable
You are not alone tonight. Imagine me there by your side. It's so hard to be here so far away from you.
Stephan is amazing, I am so happy that I have him. He is wonderful and everything I want. I just want him here already. My life would be complete. To be able to hold him and kiss him and fall asleep next to him. Being able to wake up and having him be the first thing I see... that would instantly put a smile on my face.
I'm counting the days till I'm finally done. I'm counting them down yeah one by one. It feels like forever till I return to you...
Stephan is always on my mind. No matter what I'm doing, he's on my mind. I love it. I want him here to do everything I do with me. I want my family to meet him and love him and to be held in his arms. OH! WANT! He is so amazing to me, I couldnt ask for better! When I think about who I want to be with for the rest of forever, he is all I see.
But it helps me on those lonely nights. Its that one thing that keeps me alive knowing that you'll wait for me ever so patiently.
He is my everything. My whole world. I love everything about him. I love talking to him for hours and hours. He always puts a smile on my face no matter what. I love when he jokes around with me and I just... oh my, he is perfect. Im so in love with him.
No one else knows the feeling inside. We hang up the phone without saying goodnight because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home and it's never been easy to say but it's easier when I've gone away knowing that you'll wait for me ever so patiently. Yeah your everything I've ever dreamed of having and its everything I need from you just knowing that you'll wait for me.
I feel so lucky to have him. I'll be his forever and always. He is my life. I wish that he were even just a little closer. If he were like one state away from me lol that'd rock. I'd drive to him all the time assuming my car makes it. He'd have to be less than an hour and a half away probably lol. hmm...not the point! Point is, he makes me happy and I love seeing him. His voice is so amazing, I listen to the messages I have from him on my phone often and it always makes me happy.
What I'd give, what I'd do. Knowing I'm not there for you makes it so hard to leave. What I'd give, what I'd do. Anything to get me home to you. This time I'll stay.
I wanna be perfect for him, everything that he wants. I want him to be so happy with me that he would never want anyone else. I want to be his forever. I never in my life thought I'd be lucky enough to meet or have anyone like him. It feels so unreal that I have what I want and that there is someone who can make me feel the way I do. I love Stephan SO much for that. He is all I want!
And you wait for me ever so patiently. Yeah you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and it's everything I need from you just knowing that you'll wait for me.
^^I made that picture about a month ago =]
- Just the thought of you can drive me wild, Oh you make me smile
-
- candymandy46
- December 5th, 2009
blank
I'm at my aunts house again. Let me tell you once again how much I just love it here. Aunt Joanne and Uncle Craig got the house they wantand Aunt Joanne wants me to come over here lots and help her pack and stuff which I am more than okay with. That works out fine for me cause I love being here so much. I cant wait till they get moved in and then I can maybe live there. That would rock my life hardcore. I laugh so much when I'm here and I know everyone here loves me =] It's a wonderful feeling. I know aunt joanne is okay with me living with them. we'll have to talk more about it.
I was sad pants tonight kinda cause Emily called and invited me to her house for a party. wanted to go but I can obvi case I'm here lol. That would be the only thing that sucks about living with my aunt, would be not being able to see my friends. Sad day. But I'm sure i'd get over it. Plus, I can steal my cousins friends. haha >:] I rock! Jeebus/ This comp is not picking up like every other letter I type so I have to keep retyping. Lame kthnx. [[michael buble- where ever you are where ever its right you'll come out of no where and into my life]] okay, had to remember those lyrics. I am not caring for the song but the lyrics are rocking my life. hmmmm. So anyways... [[havnt met you yet]] Stephan is amazing still. I love talking to him. I love when he picks on me about my Jacob. haha/. its fun times. it makes me laugh lots.
Oh, Paul decided to be my friend again. He talked to me online last night and he IMed me again tonight which is cool. I like being his friend even if it wont be like it was before when we were really good friends. honestly, i dont think we have been good friends like we were my junior year and is senior yeah since he graduated school. [[lawl, side note. just saw andrew, pauls cousin andrew, in his JCpennys commercial on tv]] andrew was way cool lol. well is. lol so yeah anyways. paul nd i havnt been good friends like we were back then in a while. it makes me sad a little bit. eh. well not really. i just miss lots about high school kinda. i iss the closeness i hadwith few friends. now its like, i have a lot of friends and yeah, i can talk to them all but there arnt that many that are like realllllly close to me. not like jenn was or paul was. [[uncle kracker - smile]]
anyways. im not really motivated to write this. idk why. i feel like i have so much to say but i just dont wanna think and write it all out. im not even sure i could express myself how i want to. tomorrow we are going out for uncle craigs birthday. gunna be me, brian, craig, joanne, their friends and their son. i'm essited. i like going out places with people who make me laugh. obvi. who doesnt lol.
ps. stupid fuckin check from the school... feel free to arrive. im so unhappy about that. I need it in my life. and its not existing. lameeeeeeeeeeee
omg droid phone, i want soooo bad. aunt joanne and uncle craig got them. too bad they are so freaking esspensive. meh, maybe i'll get one someday. sposedly like an iphone but better. from what i can tell, it is better than an iphone. i like it lots. and its my kinda phone too, i like fat chunky phones lol. thats my thing. man i can only breathe out of half my nose. it sucks hardcore. lol i hate being a sick panda. meh, o'well. i wanna watch... something. idk.
so anyways. the end. i will write more soon-ish. idk, like yeah. lol once something exciting happens. okay byeeeeeeee
lovins
Mandy Cane
- But according to him I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
-
- candymandy46
- November 26th, 2009
- tired
Little child, be not afraid. Though rain pounds harshly against the glass like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger. I am here tonight. Little child, be not afraid. Though thunder explodes and lightning flash illuminates your tear-stained face. I am here tonight.
I went to my aunt Joanne and uncle Craig's house last weekend. It was so much fun, I love it there. I wish I could be there all the time. My aunt Joanne is the coolest person ever, I love her to death! And my uncle Craiger is awesome! And he loves me and so does my aunt and my cousin =] I talked a lot with my aunt and she doesn't like how my mom is treating me and how she is basically taking advantage of me. My aunt wants me to go move with them when they get moved and settled in which could be in January or it could be later than that. Point is... I really think I want to do that. I heard her mention it to my uncle but they didn't talk much. I know he wouldn't have a problem with it though.
And someday you'll know that nature is so the same rain that draws you near me falls on rivers and land on forests and sand makes the beautiful world that you'll see in the morning. Little child, be not afraid. Though storm clouds mask your beloved moon and its candlelight beams, still keep pleasant dreams, I am here tonight.
The only thing I didn't like about being over my cousins is Kita being there which is kinda mean cause Kitas cool but like... Meh. Not at the same time. I feel like shes jealous that Brian and I are close and its like she tries to shove things in my face. Like, I've noticed this too but every time I go over there, they get into a fight about something. And this time I was over there, Brian was asleep and Kita came into the living room and was talking to me and she was like "you know, every time you're over here Brian and I get into a fight. It's like the only time we fight!" And she didn't say it in a mean way or anything but it was still like... yeah. lol And she all of a sudden started wearing the engagement ring he got for her. She's so stupid lol. I kinda hope Brian doesn't marry her... as mean as that sounds but... it's just like. I know that weather I'm there or not, they fight. Brian tells me about it. They have broken up SOOO many times. They need to just chill.
Little child, be not afraid. Though wind makes creatures of our trees and their branches to hands, they're not real, understand. And I am here tonight. For you know, once even I was a little child, and I was afraid but a gentle someone always came to dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears and to give a kiss goodnight
I really just like... Ugh. IDK! And Julie is making all these plans with me for next year cause shes gunna graduate a year early and just take English 12 in summer school. She wants to move out to Hagerstown and go to college with me and all this stuff. But like... idk. If I move with my aunt, that obviously won't work out. And the main thing I care about is Stephan being able to come to me. I wanna be somewhere where he and I can be together and I know my aunt Joanne let Steven and Chass live there but I think that's only cause Chass was pregnant and they had no where else to go. They paid rent and all though which is okay. IDK. I just want to have my OWN house and have Stephan be there with me. How wonderful. But maybe if Julie and I got our own place, I know she'd always want Chase over so what would be the problem if Stephan lived there and we both contributed to the house and etc. Maybe I'm thinking this through to far.
well now I am grown and these years have shown that rain's a part of how life goes. But it's dark and it's late so I'll hold you and wait 'til your frightened eyes do close.
And I hope that you'll know...
Blah. And like 20 mins after I left last time, my cousin texted me cause he had just gotton home from work and he was sad that I left and I was sad too cause I wanted to stay there forever. He asked me yesterday when I was comin back over. I wanna go back over next weekend but I hardcore gotta get a job and I don't have the gas to drive out there and I doubt Grandpa will give it to me... and IDK. I think that might be the weekend Chase goes home... seeing as how he's only got till the 4th to be here =[ He'll be back in another 3 weeks though if everything goes as planned. I really wanna move to my aunts house lol. I feel like it'll be good for me to not know anyone out there. Well... that's a lie... I know Bernie, Mikey and Devon kinda. But not well enough to actually want to hangout with them. I'd probably just end up being the girl my cousin drags along to parties and stuff. And that's fine but I just... Meh. I wanna be a hermit! lol I'm so sick of having a life honestly. Well... don't get me wrong, I LOVE my friends and I LOVE going to parties with them and I LOVE doing crazy obnoxious things with them but... I just... don't even have the motivation to do all that anymore. I just wanna chiiiill.
Everything's fine in the morning. The rain'll be gone in the morning but I'll still be here in the morning
Paul and I still arnt friends. I talked to him and he acted all friendly but then when I asked if we could be friends, he was basically like No. SO that's how that works. Uhm. He texted me last night I think it was and said that hes sorry for making me look like the bad guy when he told our friends what had happened and that basically I can have our friends. It's so dumb. And he said that in a way, he is trying to get out and not be friends with anyone here to make him moving easier I suppose. He's so lame. That's not how life works. And now that Keith is here for Thanksgiving, he doesn't wanna see his other friends. Like Julie texted him the other day to hangout and he didn't even answer her. She wasn't too happy about that. She said Paul's turned into a jerk and Addison was telling me the other night how Paul is being so stupid and he has no reason to be mad. It's all true. I've done what I could to apologize to him. He said he really wants to be friends but that it just wont work cause we'll end up in this same situation again but that maybe again in the future we could be good friends again. I'm not gunna wait around for that. I've lost so many people in the past 3 years that it's just... I don't even know. It's so lame and I'm sick of it. I hope Paul enjoys his life in Alabama. He won't have anyone left when he comes home. O'well. Sad thing is... what I miss most about mine and Paul's friendship is his mom. lol, she was the nicest ever and she loved me! I'm so sad that I won't get to see her anymore. Maybe she'll text me sometime haha.
Blah, I'm tired.
LOVINS
M.A.N.D.Y..C.A.N.E.
- Didnt feel like actually makin my own blog so yeah...
-
- candymandy46
- November 25th, 2009
- blah
Who are you dating now?
- Stephan <3
What's bothering you right now?
- Paul is being lame even though i've said sorry. But I'll get over it soon. And I wanna talk with my lover =[
What is the last thing you drank today?
- Water
What are you going to do after this?
- Tryin to sleep
Is there a certain person you can't get OFF your mind?
- Stephan
Were you happy when you woke up?
- No
Whose bed did you sleep in last?
- I slept on the floor
What were you doing at 7:00 am?
- Talkin with the only person who makes me feel happy and alive, Stephan.
Do you like to cuddle?
- I love it
Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months?
- I plan on it
Would you ever want to go to Jamaica?
- Not really no
How do you feel about your hair right now?
- Needs to be washed and dyed.
Do you have any siblings?
- Little sis and little bro
Could you go the rest of your life without doing any drugs?
- Yeah, I could.
Do you miss anyone?
- I miss so many people lately
Is there someone who you used to talk to everyday but don't anymore?
- ha. yus.
What song did you hear last?
- Quiet by Lights
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone and what did you talk about?
- My Grandpa. He called to ask me where I was. I told him "upstairs." lol he is silly.
What woke you up this morning?
- First time it was mom calling and being a brat. Next time it was Grandpa
Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
- I prefer it.
Have you ever thought about killing someone in detail?
- Well. Once.
Did you have sexual relations with the last person you've kissed?
- erm. If you mean romantically kissed... I did not have sex with that person.
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J, A, F, G, M, S or D?
- J, A, M, S,
Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't?
- Not really, not
Who was the last person you took a picture with?
- Uhh... My cousin?
If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go?
- If it was free and all, yeah but I dont wanna go really.
How's your heart lately?
- My heart is in once piece =]
Would you have a baby with the last person you kissed?
- HA. NO.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
- Technically it was Stephan. Then Mel.
Is anyone on your bad side right now?
- A few.
Did you go outside for more than 30 minutes today?
- I do when it's sunny and nice out.
Do you remember who you liked this time three months ago?
- Yes. Stephan.
What are your plans for the weekend?
- Matts bonfire party if it happens, hanging out with friends and talking to Stephan
Have you yelled at anyone in the past few days?
- Yelled at my mom this morning cause a. she woke me up and b. she thinks shes takin away my cell phone.
Have you ever broken your own heart?
- Yeah, once
Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
- yes =]
When is the last time you took a nap?
- iunno
How have you felt today?
- Pretty good till I failed to fix things. whatever though.
Do you like being in pictures?
- Gunna sound silly but only if I feel pretty.
Who was your last text from?
- Paul
Are promises important to you?
- They are SO important to me
Have you ever been in a hospital?
- When I was born and then when I killed my hand in 1st grade.
What's the last thing you "aw'd" at?
- Well, I went through some of the stuff in my closet and I sad "aw'd" at the note jenn had written for her mom when she passed away.
Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours?
- Mel and Holly
Did you have a dream last night?
- Not that I remember
You receive $50 without any reason, what do you spend it on?
- Gas. Clothes.
Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
- Lol, yeah.
Is it cute when a guy calls you baby?
- Very cute, I love it.
Do you know any Spanish?
- un pequeno
Have you ever highlighted your hair?
- Yeah, that's why people called me Rogue in middle school cause my hair had highlights like hers. And now when I don't dye my hair, I have this one strand of hair that's really light but usually its mad hard to see. Oh, and I had huge red streaks in my hair. I've done tons of shit with my hair...
Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
- Stephan, Brian, Mel.
What are you listening to right now?
- Nothing.
What is wrong with you right now?
- Meh. I shouldnt have gone and read all the stuff on Koreys RIP facebook group. It's too sad to think that he's gone.
What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
- Chocolate
Are you one of those people who obsess over Hollister?
- Ha, no. I hate that store. its mad expensive and you cant even see what you buy.
Go forward or back a week?
- Back
Do you trust anyone right now?
- I trust Stephan.
Is there anyone your disappointed in right now?
- Yes.
Are you afraid of change?
- I am.
Do you know what your gonna do with your life?
- I know what I want to do with my life
Would you rather have Starbucks or Jamba Juice right now?
- Starbucks
How long does it take you to fall asleep at night?
- A very long time
When was the last time you cried?
- Uhh... dunno
Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
- either. probably the morning though
Would you hug the last person that you hugged again (besides family)?
- Yes
Have you had any beer this week?
- No but I'll have mixed drinks on Thanksgiving.
Did you go to sleep smiling last night?
- I did.
Is your best friend(s) single?
- A couple of them are.
- Who’s afraid of the big, bad wolf?
-
- candymandy46
- November 20th, 2009
ecstatic
I know what he did to you. Bella, I won't ever hurt you.
ZOMG. New Moon is the greatest ever in existence of the earth! I just about died in that theater! They showed Jacob a lot sooner than I thought they would... but... I wasnt complaining. The more he is in that movie, the better. It's his movie, not Edwards! :P
If I thought it was too… too risky, I wouldn’t have come. But Bella, I made you a promise. I had no idea it would be so hard to keep, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try.
Everything about the movie was just SO amazing. Except... there isnt enough Jacob bonding time. I feel like he would still look like the bad guy in most peoples eyes which is LAME cause Jacob rocks and is so much more awesome than Edward. But hey... at least Bella DOESNT pick him. That would suck to watch her suck face with my Jacob wolf. Haha.
I swore I wasn’t going to get mad, no matter what you said to me. But… I just got so upset that I was going to lose you… that you couldn’t deal with what I am…
I loved how much it was Jacobs movie though and how well Taylor Lautner played Jacob. He was so perfect for the part, I'm glad they kept him. He is so close to how I pictured Jacob being when I read the books. He is probably the best cast person. OMG. I can not get over how awesome this movie was. I wish it had been longer. I wanted more Jacob bonding time. I don't want people to think he is not cool... cept well... maybe I do so they dont want him lol but Becca wants him now! And all along she was little miss "I love Edward" and now she's "I love them both!" NO >:O I told her allllll along Jacob was kick ass :P hehe
Bears don’t want to eat people. We don’t taste that good. Of course, you might be an exception. I bet you’d taste good.
So let me think. My favorite parts of the movie. I LOOOOOVE when Jacob, Bella and Mike go to the movies... that whole scene is so funny xD And I love when Bella brings Jacob the bikes and they talk and joke about their ages. Lol... Hmmm... And I love at the end when Jacob is standing there and turns into a wolf and Edward is there and just blah, the way his wolf eye looks at Bella... SO rocks! I'm pretty sure every scene in the movie was my favorite part but... lol it's just so awesome, I love it all!
What a marshmallow. You should hold out for someone with a stronger stomach. Someone who laughs at the gore that makes weaker men vomit.
I'm totally going to see this movie many times in theaters so I can watch it at maximum height and width haha. My plan is to buy a ticket for the earliest show time sometime soon while its still just out and chill in the theater all day and watch it over and over and over. I'm sure Becca wont object to this idea. So that's gunna be done haha.
As long as you like me the best. And you think I’m good-looking—sort of. I’m prepared to be annoyingly persistent.
So what bugs me is how everyone before New Moon was like "ew... Jacob sucks! He's so ugly and hes such an ass" and blah blah. They only thought that cause of Edward which is lame cause now all of a sudden since Jacob gained 30 lbs of muscle, everyone's like "OH TEAM JACOB" *glare* I knew all along that he was mad cool. Silly people.
We’re a pretty messed-up pair, aren’t we? Neither one of us can hold our shape together right.
I can't wait till it comes out on DVD so I can watch deleted scenes and commentary. Jacob so better be in the commentary. If Edward is a part of it, I swear I will judo chop my TV.
Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV.
Welp. I think that's all I've got for my New Moon rant for now =] Oh. Well. Besides these quotes which just so happen to be way awesome Jacob quotes:
There are no rules that can bind you when you find your other half.
It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more
than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother.
But I’ll never see anyone else, Bella. I only see you. Even when I close my eyes and try to see something else. Ask Quil or Embry. It drives them all crazy.
Does my being half-naked bother you?
You can have me the way I am — bad behavior included — or not at all.
I think it’s easier for you to be near me when I’m not human, because you don’t have to pretend that you’re not attracted to me
I’m exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us — comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken… If the world was the way it
was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic…
He’s like a drug for you, Bella. I see that you can’t live without him now. It’s too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.
Oh! And! I hate how they don't make is noticeable that Jake is a klutz like Bella before he turns into a werewolf. Bella always goes on about how Jake has gotten more graceful and everything since he changed. So yeah. :/ lol But I still love the movie of course. It's my favorite!
TEAM JACOB <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8VKLaCiqQo
^^Meet Jacob Black =]
LOVINS!
Mandy Cane <3
- I like it when you chain me to the bed, I love the way you smack my ass.
-
- candymandy46
- November 18th, 2009
discontent
So yes. Paul is an ASS. An equate douche refill lol =] I was talking to Julie and she was telling me how stupid Paul is and how he is so much of an ass and allll this stuff and it fucking rocked because now I know that she doesnt like him much either and I can tell her EVERYTHING about what Paul does or says to me that is super mean and douchy. Apparently, he told Julie that everything I have with Stephan is super dumb and annoying and that I am stupid for being with him and thinking that we will be together and see each other soon or some shit. And he said that he hates paying for me so much or some shit which is also stupid cause a. I NEVER ask him to pay for me, he volunteers. and b. even if he does pay for me, I pay him back as soon as my Grandpa gives me the money which is like 2 hours later. So he can chill with that. OH! And he thinks that I should censor myself basically, he said that I dont know how to edit myself. WTF. I say what I want to who I want when I want. I dont care if Paul is a pussy and cant deal with people who speak their mind.
Ugh, Back when Paul sucked at life and had no friends cause all he did was play Everquest... and Jenn introduced me to him, I thought he was really cool and I finally noticed that he existed in one of my classes lol. I fucking left my friends and moved to sit with him and be his friend and my friends followed and talked to him too... hence he got friends and had people to hang out with at lunch and shit. And he was so nice and never said anything mean... well lol... except... haha but that wasnt supposed to be mean. The first day I met him, he wrote this little note that said "Dear Mandy, I hate you. Love, Paul. P.S. I love you" and he dropped it in front of me when I was eating and then walked away. lol Who would have known that the note holds a lot of truth! He apparently does hate me now but he loves being my friend at the same time. But now that he is an asshole. Idk how I feel about being friends with him. He says some of the most hurtful things to me. And I know that he apologized times a million to me for that time he said all that stuff to me in Towson at Chris' but I still kinda am mad at him for saying all that he did. He is in no place to have any say in anything relating to Stephan.
I've come to the conclusion that Paul would give me shit about any guy I date. Before Stephan, he hated Eric. And Before that, him and Josh werent on the best terms. Paul told me that he thinks that I have to have somebody all the time or something along those lines. Newsflash. I dont. I have been single before for a long time. I've been in ONE long term relationship and the rest were just... I wouldnt even call them relationships! They were like... just dates. Maybe it was wrong of me to do what I did with Eric. No. It wasnt actually. I didnt do shit with him hardly so fuck that. Paul is just an ass cause he hasnt done anything with anyone and no one WANTS to do anything with him. That is NOT my problem. Paul can think what he wants about me. I am actually in a relationship now where the person cares about me and where I know I can be happy and don't have a thing to worry about! Paul is just jealous cause his little Alabama girl and him arnt anywhere like Stephan and I and Paul wont ever have that. I know that she is the reason Paul is moving down there and it's stupid cause he's just gunna be alone and once she sees that he is an asshole, she wont wanna be with him. Hell, she might not even wanna be with him to start off with if she's smart. I made that mistake, hope she doesnt.
Lame. Paul. Is. Lame. He whines and complains to me about Julie and Chase too and how they shouldnt be together or some shit. I know they fight sometimes and stuff but it's not Paul relationship. He doesnt have control over them breaking up or styaing together so he should just shut up and stop complaining about it. And he sure as hell needs to stop complaining to people about me and Stephan behind my back. And he needs to stop with his smart ass comments too. No wonder he thinks I need to edit myself, lol all I ever say to him anymore is "fuck you" o'well! Paul just pisses me off so much. A friend should not get pissed off about something that makes their friend happy. A REAL friend would be happy for them and wanna know everything about what makes them happy. Paul is not like that. Hense... he fails. I can't wait till Stephan is here and he sends Paul that picture. Oh heavens, that is gunna be funny! Haha =]
Everyone I talk to about Paul and the things he does to me or says to me, says that he is a jerk. It's so LAME cause I really dont know what happened. People change all the time I guess, I should know this by now but I hate accepting it. I've seen people change right in front of me and I still question what happened to them. I should just stop and accept it. It's just the accepting part that sucks. W/E. Paul will leave soon and I wont have to deal with shit from him. OH GOD. I broke my pinky promise to Chase. Lol opps... I'll text him tomorrow and renew the pinky promise. Anyways. Mom and I got into a fight tonight. Was not fun in the slightest. But I called Stephan after I left the house and he made me feel SO much better. He put a smile on my face, like always and I felt so much better. Tomorrow morning while I'm up before mom leaves for work, I'm gunna get out of the house to avoid her some more and go over to Denny's and apply there so that I can stay out of Mom's house as much as possible. If I can get a job there, that will rock. Then I extra wont have to come home and I'll be making monies!
Basically though, the point of this entry is that Paul sucks. And that he is two-faced. And that he is an ass. Annnnd that I hope he fails with that girl in Alabama so I can laugh in his face =] Bwahaha!
- Everyone calls you amazing... I just call you mine.
-
- candymandy46
- November 15th, 2009
- loved
101 Things I Love About Stephan
1. I love his eyes
2. I love his hair
3. I love when he wears his hat
4. I love the shape of his lips
5. I love his jaw line
6. And I love how cute he looks with glasses.
7. I love how he geeks out on games
8. I love his smirk
9. I love the way his voice sounds
10. I love when he calls me "baby"
11. I love when he calls himself my boyfriend
12. And I love when he texts me to tell me he's in love with me.
13. I love that he loves to cuddle
14. I love that I'm his and he's mine
15. I love when he talks dirty to me
16. And I love knowing that I've been on his mind.
17. I love that he's willing to play The Sims with me
18. I love that he's close to his mom
19. I love that he loves kids
20. I love how he genuinely cares for me
21. I love the mindset he has
22. I love that he likes to watch movies
23. And I love when he calls me "My Mandy"
24. I love his tattoos
25. I love that he likes to read
26. I love all the stories he tells me
27. And I love how he's good with electronics.
28. I love when he asks to join my shower
29. I love when he sends me pictures
30. I love talking with him for hours
31. I love how he's always there for me
32. And I love how he can always make me smile.
33. I love his taste in music
34. I love that he's watched One Tree Hill before
35. I love when he tells me I'm beautiful
36. I love that he reads my blog
37. I love how easy it is to tell him everything
38. And I love how he's willing to go to the beach just to make me happy.
39. I love how sweet he is
40. I love when he tells me a song reminds him of me
41. I love how sexy he is
42. And I love waking up to his texts.
43. I love how we have so much in common
44. I love that he likes to go fishing
45. I love that he knows how to cook
46. And I love how just thinking about him can turn me on.
47. I love how he doesn't put up with crap from anyone
48. I love that he likes country music
49. I love the clothes he wears
50. I love his idea of exercise
51. I love when he doesn't wear a shirt
52. And I love how happy I've been since I've had him.
53. I love how I can be myself with him
54. I love how he is fine to stay home and relax
55. I love how he accepts me and the choices I make
56. I love how a text from him always makes me smile
57. And I love how he's willing to wait to be with me.
58. I love when he talks about us together
59. I love when he says "our kids"
60. I love how protective he'll be over our baby girl
61. I love how complete I feel with him
62. I love how he likes when I wear skirts
63. And I love how he does what he wants and doesn't care about what others think.
64. I love how honest he is with me
65. I love his name
66. I love when he tells me I'm his one and only
67. I love that he talks to my mom
68. And I love how I can always count on him to be there.
69. I love how he loves me for me
70. I love when he jokes around with me
71. I love how protective he is over me
72. I love that he watches Juno
73. And I love how I always sleep better when I fall asleep thinking about him.
74. I love that he completely accepts my Twilight obsession
75. I love how he actually listens to everything I say
76. I love how he gives the best advice
77. I love that Peter Pan is his favorite too
78. And I love how he says "now lets get you dirty again!" after I shower.
79. I love the way his hair looks in the morning
80. I love how he totally owns me when it comes to Disney movies having sequels.
81. I love how he hates spiders
82. I love his personality
83. And I love how that little bit of hair flips out from under his hat.
84. I love how no matter what, he is capable of putting a smile on my face
85. I love how he has all the power to completely break me but would never dream of it
86. I love that he is willing to share me with Bones at night
87. I love how when I talk to him, he makes all my worries disappear
88. I love when we talk all night
89. I love when he calls me
90. I love how impatient he is to be with me
91. I love how he gives me butterflies
92. I love his body
93. And I love how he is the keeper of my heart.
94. I love how he's unlike any other guy, he's sincere
95. I love the way his voice sounds when he says "tired" and "baby"
96. I love that his favorite colors are black and red
97. I love how he knows I'm a silly, strange and out there kinda girl, but he loves me still
98. And I love how every sweet thing and "I love you baby" he says makes me melt
99. I love the way everything always feels right with him
101. I love how I couldn't pick my favorite thing to love about Stephan, I love everything.
My heart will always be yours, baby.
- They can't make you laugh, no they can't make you feel the way that I do
-
- candymandy46
- November 8th, 2009
- blah
Oh I
I packed this bowl for two
And I
I’m gonna wanna smoke it with you.
So today was all spiff and I felt fine up until like 2 hours ago. idk wtf is wrong with me... I just got really down. It doesn't even make sense cause I really have nothing to be sad about. So why do I feel like shit? I hate days like this. Maybe I'm finally about to get my period. Ha. I wish... well... I don't WISH I had it... it's just be nice so that I wont have to worry about when it's gunna come again for a while. Blah Blah BLAHHHHHHHHHH.
Yes you know it is time
For us to sit down and unwind
I know the feeling, I know the feeling
So stay with me tonight
Gonna kick back relax
Make sure the ganja’s packed
I want some weed. I need to go find Carlos and buy some. Too bad I'm broke D: So i'll just wait and hit a bowl with some friends later today if they smoke. Or wait till I get home tomorrow and smoke a bowl then. I just wanna lay in my bed, cuddle my pillow and... lay. Just lay there. But at the same time, I wanna go outtttt and I wanna be social and I wanna hang out with my friendssss! Why am I so lameee today. Jeebus. I need to stop this shit. It's annoying. Oh and I left my hat at Becca's. It isnt even really my hat, it's Addisons lol. SO yeah. Gotta get that tomorrow probably. I'll have to see when Becca will be home or if she can run it buy or someeeeeething. Oh heavens.
And we’ll feel all right
We’re flying high now
We’re flying high now
I cannot feel the ground
We’re flying high now
We’re flying high now
I'm going to Aunt Joannes the weekend of the 20th. My Nana wants me, her, My great Aunt Rita, Aunt Mary and Aunt Joanne to all go out to lunch that sat. I'm excited. Havnt seen Aunt Rita in a while and I miss my Nana. I feel bad cause I love my Nana to death but I never go visit her cause I fucking HATE my little cousins there. I used to go over there more often when I had Kieran cause they always wanted to see him too and so I could sit there and play with Kieran the whole weekend and not have to worry about being asked to go play with my little cousins. I know it sounds mean but if you met these kids. God, I swear. If they were my own kids... there is NO way in hell they would get away with what they do. It takes all I have to not smack Ryan across the mouth when he talks to me and his mom and nana. The first words out of his mouth to me the last time I was there were "You're a bitch!" and he stomped around the house cause I had brought Julie with me and he didnt like that apparently. Well I couldnt give two fucks as to what he thinks. He is 11 years old, there is no reason for him to act the way he does. And Katelin... Oh don't just... I'm done talking about them. They are obnoxious brats who need a reality check. The end.
My world is spinning round
So please don’t run away
When my ganja’s all gone
Promise me that you’re gonna stay
When my flight is all done
There’s only one thing left to do
I do miss my nana though. I go over to my aunt Joannes and its nice cause nana can come over there without having to bring katelin and ryan and even if they do all come over, Ryan and Katelin know better than to act up over there cause Aunt Joanne and Uncle Craig dont put up with their shit. Which is good cause then they actually behave. Ugh. W/E. I'm excited for New Moon as well. SOOOO excited =] Ugh this day sucks. Yesterday I took Julie and Chase's homecoming pictures for them over at Devin's. Chase was a little drunk when I picked him up to take him over to Devin's. Lol, we walked around the park cause Julie wasnt ready yet. Chase and I talked times a million about everything. His mom is really mad at him for lying to his whole family saying he was in Florida when he is really here in MD. I knew they'd find out somehow. But o'well. It was cool to chill with Chase. Plus when we got to Devin's, Julie was talking to all her friends there whom Chase and I dont know at all. [[Except Devin]] and so I stuck around a little longer so that Chase wouldnt be by himself. Julie was being dumb though... like usual. Chase asked me to tighten the buttons on the sleeve of his shirt and Julie was like "CHASE! Why didnt you ask ME to do it!?" I was like "Whoa, chill out girl." But after that, idk she chilled out. The group was getting ready to sit down and eat dinner so I left. Devin asked me to stay but... Meh. I did that whole homecoming thing already and I didnt really feel like sitting there with these kids I don't know. Wow. Longest paragraph of my life. OKEH. I'm done updating this... I lied. I'm not.
I got this one nug this frosty purple nug
And it’s big enough for two
BTW, love that song. Bowl for Two by The Expendables. So new topic. I miss the fuck out of Jenn. Not the new Jenn but the old Jenn. MY Jenn. I miss back when we were best friends and she could always come to me for anything and I always had her to go to. I miss how close we were and how so comfortable we were with each other. I miss when she would run away to my house just because she needed me.
Holding your hand,
I'm thrown in all directions.
When I put my arm around your waist,
There are no objections.
As I walk you to your door,
I look into your eyes
And for now I know you love me,
Because your actions tell no lies.
Yeah, I guess what brought this on was that I listened to this old mix CD she made me in HS and I read through all my old myspace blogs and came across the poem jount she wrote for me. So that's what the italic part of this is now. Ugh I miss driving around with her in her van and going everywhere just for fun. I really wish I still had her. I had her for about 2 hours last time we had a sleepover at my house. We were laying in bed and just talking. Talking about EVERYTHING that was going on and what was happening since we had last had a talk like that. She cried, that's the Jenn I used to know. She was so comfortable opening up to me and I felt the same way about her. And that night, when we went to sleep, she snuggled up to me just like we used to. I wanted to cry lol. I missed her so much and the old Jenn was there for a little bit.
And I give to you, Mandy,
The devotion I feel inside...
When sweat trickles down your brow
And I taste your lips on mine.
When your skin's touch is that of fire
And my eyes belong to you alone,
When you tell me that you love me,
And we fall into the unknown.
When I hold your hands,
I know that this moment will last forever.
I think she wrote this poem for me during that time when we were like ish... like... wanted to legit be together. It was the weirdest thing to like your best friend who is a girl. She was probably the first girl I had a crush on. But that never did anything. We were silly to think that way. I liked us better as friends and that's all I wanted from her. That's STILL all I want from her. Is to be friends but she is so busy with work and shes moving to Bowie which is kinda far from here. So chances of seeing her are slim. But that's probably okay because even if I did see her, she wouldnt be my Jenn. She'd be the new Jenn. Which is lame btw. She was just fine before.
Hands are no longer held back,
They touch what they adore.
Each new sound creates
A longing for even more.
When skin collides, it burns,
With a bittersweet loving chime...
One for us to breathe beneath
And for our bodies to mime.
We're twisted up, you and I,
Artlessly seductive.
To go against inheritance,
Menacingly destructive.
Rawr. Grandpa kinda looked at my car today. I told him what was wrong with it and he comes back inside and asks me to go out and look at it. Uhm. If I knew how to fix what was wrong with it, I would have done that myself. But I went outside anyways and looked at all the fuses and crap. The radio started working though lol so w/e we did was beneficial somehow. Uhm. My turn signals still dont work and the car still surges so grandpa is sending me to the boy who works on my car to talk to him and see whats up with this crap.
And I give to you, Mandy,
The devotion I feel inside...
When sweat trickles down your brow
And I taste your lips on mine.
When your skin's touch is that of fire
And my eyes belong to you alone,
When you tell me that you love me,
And we fall into the unknown.
Our hearts race and intertwine,
A symphony takes flight,
Leaving you and I forever...
A story for us to write.
When I hold your hands,
I know that this moment will last forever.
Blah. Friends are on the way. I gotta go. Probably a good thing cause I dont need to whine and complain anymore lol.
